


Jedi pin-up calendar

by Gabriel4Sam



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Almost Crack, Attempt at Humor, Gen, The Jedi need money, some pairings but only as side notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-15
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2018-12-30 02:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12098412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabriel4Sam/pseuds/Gabriel4Sam
Summary: There was a moment of silence, stretching into awkwardness. Nobody in the room had any idea about such a sum of money.“There is gambling?” Depa said after a long minute.“It’s fine in dire circumstances under cover, but we are NOT bankrupting a space casino.” Her former Master had debunked.Another moment of silence.“Come on, we should find something…” Plo Koon had interjected. “Or we really need to consider retirement.”“Well, I have an idea…” Kit Fisto had finally said. “But I’m not sure what you will think of it. Remember it’s for our men, before you start to yell.”





	1. Chapter 1

Financially, it could have been fine without the clones. Difficult, the Order was almost bankrupted after all, but possible. After all, there were fewer members that before the war and the survivors could have survived in their too big Temple, with a few restrictions in their budget.

But the clones…Of course, the Senate had been petitioned for civil rights for the clones but, as always, it would take time. Mace Windu had spent two minutes with the delegates of Kamino, who had come to ask for the men back until the Senate decided, and then had stormed out, barking that the clones would stay with them until the Senate took a kriffin decision and those who weren’t of the same kriffin opinion could kriffin take it with him.

Nobody knew what had been said. Nobody asked because when was the last time anyone had heard Master Windu swear like that?

Even just after killing Sidious, when he had come back to the Temple with three hurt Council members and a furious, yelling Skywalker thrown over his shoulder, he had been in control, his anger at the state of the galaxy, the Sith, and the yelling young idiot under perfect control. Master Windu was never in the mood for bullshit but it wasn’t in his habits to destroy four training droids in the training rooms like he had done that day either. 

So, the clones. After the swearing and the verbal trashing that he had received from the Combat Master for the droids, Mace Windu had insured that every clone that wasn’t actively deployed to mop the rest of the war problems was stationed with them, on Coruscant, in the Jedi Temple.

The clones and the Jedi were too much for the Temple, infrastructures made for ten thousand monks certainly not enough to sustain easily all the surviving vods. The ancient parts had been opened again, there were dormitories in the training rooms but it wasn’t enough.

“We need money.” Shaak Ti had simply said. “And we need it fast.”

“Well, there is still that Hutt petitioning us for Quinlan Vos’s hand.” Eeth Koth had observed.

“This remark won’t be noted, as Master Koth is still under medication for his wounds.” Obi-Wan had immediately said, speaking louder to be sure the automatic recorder of the room picked his words. He extended his hand and patted his colleague’s knee to be sure the other Jedi didn’t take it the wrong way. Eeth had been terribly wounded in their last fight against Sidious but he would never miss a Council meeting if he could. They had tried to reunite in the Halls of healing to make things easier for him but the Healer in chief had ejected them because, in her words: “All your chatter is disrupting my patients.”

There was a moment of silence, stretching into awkwardness. Nobody in the room had any idea about such a sum of money.

“There is gambling?” Depa said after a long minute.

“It’s fine in dire circumstances under cover, but we are NOT bankrupting a space casino.” Her former Master had debunked.

Another moment of silence.

“Come on, we should find something…” Plo Koon had interjected. “Or we really need to consider retirement.”

“Well, I have an idea…” Kit Fisto had finally said. “But I’m not sure what you will think of it. Remember it’s for our men, before you start to yell.”

“Such a comforting introduction…” Eeth Koth had quipped, not as sotto voce as he probably thought.

The idea was apparently a holo-calendar.

A naked holo-calendar.

A naked holo-calendar of Jedi!

A naked holo-calendar of Jedi, or almost naked, and that was as worse that naked for people who thought of two tunics, an obi and a big cloak enough to hide a baby bantha as the bare minimum in term of clothes.

There wasn’t yelling, but only because everybody was way too surprised to think about it, and the idea had been buried really fast.

Of course, money problems don’t disappear like that…

They grow and they grow and they grow, until the day Master Windu sighed: “Only volunteers. Masters and Knights, no Padawans, I don’t care if they’re can legally have orgy in every system from here to the Outer Rim. Nothing uncouth. Try to do it in the most….” He was searching for words.

“Civilized way.” Obi-Wan proposed.

“Tasteful way.” Depa whished.

“With clothes?” Adi finished, a touch of amusement in her voice. Like Kit, she had found the idea perfect. Easy to do, quick, and if people were ready to pay for it…well, mystical warriors-monks or not, sometimes pragmatism was the path to follow.

“One naked calendar, coming up.” Kit had sworn, with a dashing smile and a spark in his black eyes.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soon, the holophotographer turned to them and explained, “The interesting question is how to make the Jedi sexy.”
> 
> “How strange that you would mention it, it occupied entirely my last nightly meditation.” Master Koth had answered cheerfully and there were some sniggers from the door, where a bunch of clones weren’t even pretending to have another good reason to be there that to follow the latest non-sense. Some had even brought snacks.

The crew of holophotographers and assistants that had invaded the Temple consisted of: three male Omwati, one female Bovorian, a rare species on Coruscant because of the pollution, four Zuzabol of unknown gender and two human female. The leader was apparently the Bovorian, who had quipped that her name was unpronounceable for their vocal cords and that they could call her Kollia. She was bossing her team around and already, the Jedi were regretting it. Half the devices looked like the things Ventress had used on poor Kenobi when he had been her prisoner!

But well.

Money. And it was for the clones, not for themselves. After all, what could really go wrong?

Newly elected Chancellor Malé-Dee had recommended them, so the Jedi had opened their doors and a delegation of the High Council was now watching them install a holo studio in one of the training room.

Soon, the holophotographer turned to them and explained, “The interesting question is how to make the Jedi sexy.”

“How strange that you would mention it, it occupied entirely my last nightly meditation.” Master Koth had answered cheerfully and there were some sniggers from the door, where a bunch of clones weren’t even pretending to have another good reason to be there that to follow the latest non-sense. Some had even brought snacks.

“It seems I have a volunteer.” The Bovorian countered, without batting an eyelid and all the Jedi present seemed suddenly uncertain.

“Perhaps I could volunteer instead.” Master Even Piell proposed. “Our esteemed colleague had not been exactly himself lately and we would prefer he didn’t participate in something he would regret later.

There was a complicated moment, as the Bovorian tried to explain that 1.22 meters of one-eyed Lannik Jedi Master would be slightly less popular half naked that a 1.86 muscular Iridonian Zabrak.

The Jedi, raised in interspecies groups and in the habits to judge people with their Force presence more that their physical aspect, had been baffled.

“All sentients?” Plo Koon had asked.

“Wouldn’t Lannik people prefer Lannik naked pictures?” Adi Gallia had frowned.

“I’m muscular too!” Master Piell had protested. He had proposed himself because a drugged up Master Koth was for him in the same category as Padawans, in term of naked pictures: a big No. That didn’t mean a Master Jedi hadn’t his pride, even when he was rumoured as a humourless, Code-abiding Master! He was a highly talented swordsman! He had kicked Cin Dralling down a peg two weeks ago in the same training room!

The poor holophotographer sighed. Idiots. The mystical warriors guarding the Republic were idiots that didn’t have an idea of the average sentient’s libido.

“Perhaps we could do group shoots?” She finally asked. She wasn’t payed enough for that and she had no intention to give them a course about the trends in pornography, erotic holos or anything like that. They seemed like the sort of people who would take notes, ask questions and demand a list of readings.

“People love shoots of different species in intimate position. There is good markets for that” She explained, when she saw they didn’t understood. There was also a big market of erotic toys mimicking different species, but that knowledge would probably break their minds.

“I’m faithful to my bondmate!” Piell protested, icily.

“Not that intimate, Master Jedi.”

“We’re going nowhere and I’m teaching a class on Form V in three hours.” Adi Gallia decreed. She was taking down her belt and then attacking her tunics.

“Even? Start getting naked. Jocasta will understand and after Miss Kollia will do a few shoots of you only, to gift her. Fives, yes, I know that’s you, you should have been more discreet, close the door, would you? And since the lot of you have nothing to do, I’m sure the Crechemasters could use some help.”

“But…the other Jedi?”

“Do you really think the flesh is of importance? I’m sure my colleagues will have good ideas, and this is nothing more that we see in the communal baths. Get to work, Miss Kolia. ”

“Yes, m’dam.”

From Adi, not a lot was seen in the final shoot, the one they kept for the calendar. She was on her back on the tatami of the room, and you could see her naked legs, strong and powerful, her arms still in tunic and half her face, hidden in one of her arm. Kneeling between her legs, having only lost his belt, obi and outer tunic, Even Piell was half-turned and looking at the viewer, as if he was outraged to have been surprised. His body hid almost everything of Adi except for the legs, the head and the arms. She  seemed embarrassed to have been surprised, and every calendar needed, in Kolia’s experience, one of those shoots, for the most voyeur part of the public.

What they didn’t know wouldn’t burst their bubbles: the only reason why they had hidden Adi’s face in her arm was because of the irrepressible smile Eeth Koth’s constant commentaries had brought to her lips.

And Jocasta Nu was delighted of Even’s alone holos, especially the one where he was wearing only his obi...


	3. Chapter 3

“You’re doing a pin-up calendar!!” Anakin Skywalker had exclaimed, sitting down quite brusquely under the weight of the surprise. And really, for a man who had all his life defied odds, he didn’t have any business sounding so startled.

“Well, it was deemed a quite efficient way to collect money.” Obi-Wan had grumbled, not sure if he liked the tone of his friend. Not sure if he should be vexed or not. People’s reactions on this subject didn’t seem to stop being surprising. Anakin’s wife, that he had met in the Senate the day before, had needed a glass of water and careful pats on the back before finding again her breath and she had made him swear he would tell it to Anakin immediately, to not wait for the rumour to reach him.

Anakin sounded like a broken record: “You, you the Jedi are doing a pin-up calendar. An erotic calendar.”

“Don’t act like if you don’t understand the concept. You’re probably more knowledgeable in that that half the Order” Obi-Wan had quipped, his eyes on the bassinet where Anakin’s children were sleeping. He loved visiting the little family in Amidala’s apartment but really, did his friend need to sound so shocked?

Anakin’s eyes had never been more round, more blue and Obi-Wan felt his annoyance evaporate, infinitely grateful for that colour. He still remembered the moment where Anakin had tethered on the edge of a terrible precipice.

“You, Obi-Wan, will participate in an erotic calendar.” Apparently, he wasn’t sure it could be said too much, as if should be carefully enunciated a thousand more times, because things like that weren’t supposed to happen. The annoyance made a comeback and Obi-Wan huffed, a wordless sound like only a sibling could provoke.

“That, I need to see.” Anakin had said just after and then launched himself in the tales of Luke and Leia, wonder twins.

And he had come, putting foot in the Temple again for the first time since the mess with Palpatine’s death, and the almost end of the Republic. Apparently, all he needed to reconcile with his past as a Jedi was to learn that his former Master would make erotic holos.

The Council had been surprised when the holophotographer insisted the Negotiator took part in the calendar.

“But people already know me.” Obi-Wan had said. “They put my face on every of those Sith-damned posters.  Wouldn’t that…interfere with people’s enjoyment of your work? Burst the bubble of illusion you craft in your holos, in a way?”

“That you’re famous? You think people won’t want to see you naked because the propaganda made you famous?” The holophotographer had asked, because the answer was so obvious to her but there was only quiet curiosity in Master Kenobi’s eyes, as pure as an Alderaniann’s lake. He was really surprised. “Of course not. I’m pretty sure a few of these posters of the Republic have already have been modified to put you on nasty pictures, to be honest.”

And Master Kenobi had seemed baffled, but he wasn’t the sort of Jedi to let his brethren do all the work. He seemed to regret it now. It wasn’t the half-naked situation, after all, he had let his brothers and sisters in the Force see his soul in conjoined meditation, so what was a little flesh? He had stripped down on orders without a second of hesitation, joking with Eeth about all the money the Order could save if they simplified their traditional costume.

It wasn’t that his picture was supposed to be taken in the Council Room. After all, the room wasn’t sacred and even if it was, what would be more sacred to the Order that protecting innocents? And collecting that money would help their brothers the clones.

It wasn’t Anakin. There had been a little teasing, but so less that he could have, like he understood that the subject was baffling enough like that. In fact, if he had knew getting his naked pictures taken would help bridge the gap between Anakin and the Order, the two more important parts of his life, Obi-Wan would have stripped long ago.

No, the problem was the choice of postures. All of them had been tries to use the aura of the Negotiator, trying to paint him as some sort of bigger than life Jedi, something heroic, something he definitely wasn’t. He had felt like a fraud when he had been Knighted, he had been sure he wasn’t ready when he had been made a Master, and don’t start him on when he had been elevated on the Council. He was supremely uncomfortable and it was visible in the pictures: they had been working for six hours and none of them was usable for the calendar.

“It isn’t working.” The photographer sighed for the nth time, when the only thing you see in the lasted shoot was how tight Obi-Wan’s shoulders were.

“Oh come one.” Anakin had finally said. “Do I really need to do it myself?” He had looked at the other Jedi. Everybody was looking clueless and Obi-Wan only had that little frown that came when he was on the verge on a headache.

Anakin half-swore under his breath.

“A volunteer?” He asked, turning to the assembled Jedi and half a dozen hands were up immediately.

“I will do my part.” Obi-Wan protested.

“Of course, Master.” Anakin said, looking at the volunteers.

“You know what? Everybody naked.”

The image was in half shadows, which helped keep the details erotic, and not simply pornographic. Obi-Wan was only a body in a mass of others, a Jedi like another, like he had only wanted to be all his life. He had his head on Depa’s belly and his skin and hair make quite an interesting contrast with her own skin. He was wearing nothing but the most incriminating part was dissimulated by Master Windu’s shoulder. Master Windu’s shoulders whose most incriminating part was hidden by Master’s Tiin’s right horn. Master Tiin’s most incriminating part was….well, all Councillors were there, minus Eeth that was still medicated, but still grumbling about it, everybody was naked, everybody pretended to be sleeping. “A soldier’s welcome.” Had been the title chosen and for a person who didn’t know the Jedi, it seemed like the end of an orgy in the Coucil Room.

For Anakin, who knew better, it spoke of other things. It spoke of the total comfort Obi-Wan had shown with everyone nudity. It spoke of how peaceful his former Master, his friend, his brother, had been, once he hadn’t been alone under the spotlight. Here, with the other Councillors, Obi-Wan was happy. To be quite honest, without the noises of the photoshoots, Anakin thought some of them would have really started sleeping, here, naked with each other, because they had a tiring job.

For the first time, he felt peace that his Master’s choice wasn’t the same as his own.


	4. Chapter 4

Kollia, the Bovarian holophotographer always insisted on her artistic integrity. Yes, nudes weren’t exactly what she had thought she would do. Or perhaps different ones, in black and white in prohibitively expensive holomagazines, not calendar that would be brought by people wanting to watch titillating Jedi and would pretend they did it for the cause, to help the Jedi and the clones.

It didn’t matter. It not only payed her bills, let her put money on an account for bad days, but offered her the possibility of sending money home, to her aging parents and extended family, the goal of almost all people immigrating on Coruscant.

And she was good, really good at it.

She could have made Palpatine and Mas Amedda look sexy!

Ok, perhaps not Palpatine…. But the Jedi, all fits, and with that strange naiveté in warriors that would give people the desire to mess them…That was quite the material.

So when, searching for inspiration in the hallways of the Jedi Temple, she saw that Jedi, she knew she needed to have that one on the calendar.

“Excuse me?” It was a clone, the one that was always trying to push himself into her working rooms.

Fives, the Jedi had called him.

“No, I still don’t want to put you and your big blaster on the cover, be it metaphorical or not. You still don’t have rights, since the Senate is still fighting itself about it, you can’t sign the paperwork. And you perfectly know it, too.”

His eyebrow games really was ridiculous.

“How about a drink, then?”

She stopped.

“Was that what you were angling for since the beginning? Not, don’t answer, I don’t care.”

By all her forefathers, the Jedi had disappeared in another hall. The holophotographer ran to it, followed by Fives, who asked:

“Is there danger? Why are we running? Do we sound the alarm?”

Lost! In a sea of Jedi, all wearing those beige tunics that were a crime against fashion. All species, all form, all shapes.

“Why are they so many of them?” she swore.

“They are going to meditate in the Thousand fountains garden together at that hour. They are closing ranks since the war.”

She felt like swearing again.

“Quick, if you have the answer, you’ll have your yes. Blue female Twi’lek Jedi, 1 m 80 approximatively. Brown leather headdress.”

“Does she have an artificial arm?”

“No.”

“Then it’s Knight Secura. The only other Jedi with that description is Master Colea, but she lost her right arm on Saleucami,” Fives answered.

Kollia smiled, and not only because she had the name.

She was curious about that metaphorical blaster, now, and humans were compatible, with only a little work, if not people she would have brought back to her parents. Even if their faces would have been hilarious. She loved the three of her progenitors but they needed to catch up a few centuries of social evolution.

They tracked down Knight Secura a little later, in one of the other garden, where she was pruning some succulents. Knight Secura was so beautiful it was bordering on unrealistic, and also quite terrifying, when she cornered the two of them against the massive trunk of one of the trees.

“I wanted to speak to you, Miss Kollia,” she said, and she was smiling with really too much teeth.

“Master Secu-“ tried Fives with courage.

“Not now, Fives.”

“Yes, sir!” answered the clone and Kollia sworn to herself that she would make him work extra double to enter her pants.

“Most of my brethren don’t understand how your professional field works, I suppose you remarked it.”

“Yes, M’dam. Sir. Knight.”

“But I do. There are some things that, as a female Twil’ek, I have been forced to learn. And I did my best to protect my brothers and sisters’ innocence.”

And that smile again, that made the Bovarian to want at the same time reconsider her lack of taste for humanoid females and duck behind some strong shielding.

“I will take one slot one your calendar-”

“You will?”

“-and if the innocence of my brethren is bruised in any way in your work, I will make you regret it.”

Jedi weren’t supposed to act like that! They were the good guys. All nice and calm and boring!

Secura left them there, in the most regal exit Kollia had ever seen, the poor Bovarian more aroused and terrified that she had ever been. On the other hand, Fives hadn’t lied about his metaphorical blaster so she put her state of mind to good use.  

Later, in one of the training room, Aayla Secura posed for the crew. Most nude or semi-nude holorepresentation of Twil’ek females casted them as submissive helpless creatures, but not that one. The viewers could see the muscled back and only one hint of the shape of her breast into their protective support garment. She was armed with some sort of double-bladed halberd and her ass, nicely shaped by some very close-fitted leather pants, was quite in the centre of the picture, but because of the katas she was doing.

It was Kollia’s favorite in the whole calendar. She found it quite artistic.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr too, under the same username, come and say hi ^^


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